Poor Jessica Simpson! What’s a girl to do when her boyfriend leaves her because she’s a distraction! When an entire state, possibly an entire country, blames her for destroying America’s Team and their chance to finally win a play-off game after a decade of drought? When the Lone Star state sees her as the Yoko to Terrell’s and Tony’s John and Paul?
Raise some Cain, that’s what! Enough with tears, Jessica! When a girls down she doesn’t wallow in self-pity letting her make-up run until she’s a hideous caricature of Tammy Faye Baker. What a girl does is go to her closet and take out that little discount Anna Sui strapless party dress that she got on discount and that causes rubber necking accidents wherever she goes. She puts on her Jessica Simpson Kain platform shoes, because if you’re going to raise some Cain, what better shoes to wear than one’s that have that lethal combination of high heel sexiness and the rounded leather toes ideal for kicking that man to the curb! These are the shoes that Nancy Sinatra’s Gen Y granddaughter wears when she wants to do some walkin’! That along with your tight little handbag, Pink’s new CD (or old CD) and a whole new attitude and you’re ready to turn those disappointed cowpokes back into the double taking fools that bought tickets to see you in the The Dukes of Hazard!
So Nick Lachey that loser jock already! There are other Bit Tuna creations in the sea!